girls feeling

I feel very sad right now not because somebody broke my heart or because i am faced with some sort of problem. I am sad looking at myself. I am sad being myself. I am not writing this because i am looking for somebody to pity me or somebody to curse me. I am writing because i do not have anyone to share this disgust feeling. I am a selfish girl. i have always been a very selfish girl. And as of today i seriously hate myself. I have hurt many people with my selfishness and with my words. And as of today i do not even desire for any redemption! I have lost count of people i have hurt in the few decades of my life on earth. i have hurt my family, i have hurt my friends and i have hurt my beloved ones. I have seen them shed tears, crushed with the sword of my words. I have seen them make their effort just for the sake of someone like me. But what have i done? i have just plunged them in darkness. If i could, i would really end my life.. but won't it be just another form of my selfishness? I guess this is the only way to live now for i have sinned and i have to pay for my sins. I have to go through pain as a part of my punishment. I have to punish myself. Happiness existed a long time ago, it suffocated and died in my presence. My presence will only bring you sorrow yet i cannot end my own presence? i remorse not looking for salvation but for those smiles that were always dedicated to me! I am sorry everyone!